jokes by supply

Here are some of my freelance jokes that didn't get bought:

Barcelona city council is banning public nudity. The bad news—offenders will be fined $700. The good news--no strip search.

Barcelona city council is banning public nudity. Anyone caught in public will be fined $700. Anyone caught in private can still negotiate a rate.

Barcelona city council is banning public nudity. Offenders will be gently placed in the hands of police.

Barcelona city council is banning public nudity. Barcelona now known as “The City That Never Streaks”.

In his budget speech, the President talked about the “American Dream”. Then Vice President Biden closed his eyes to find it.

During President Obama's budget speech, cameras caught Vice President Biden sleeping—and he's never looked more respectable on tv.

VP Biden slept during Obama's budget speech. He woke after hearing “Biden is a rockstar!”. But Obama really said “get Biden a Rockstar!”.

During the President's budget speech, VP Joe Biden fell asleep. Obama's new budget will now include funding for renewable energy drinks.

Obama revealed a plan to cut 4 trillion from the deficit. George W. Bush said, “I had the same plan, but lost count around five hundred.”

Obama revealed a plan to cut 4 trillion from the deficit, making him the first President since Clinton who can count that high.

Obama revealed a plan to cut 4 trillion from the deficit. Spared from the cutback is his Secretary of Counting Huge Numbers.

At George Washington University, Obama said that he won't renew the Bush tax cuts. He assured students it will keep Busch beer dirt cheap.

President Obama announced that he won't renew Bush's tax cuts. Bush said he'd never heard of it, but it sounds like a "pretty cool magazine".

President Obama announced that he won't renew the Bush tax cuts. When asked to comment, Bush asked, "Ok, but how does this affect me?"

3/27/2011

Both are useful when harnessed; both cause human sickness when they're not. RT @myownthane #jokesondemand Nuclear Power + Shatner

3/26/2011

You're never alone in Las Vegas, for the right price. RT @RichardWest #jokesondemand alone in Las Vegas

only thing dumber than drinking Smart Water is drinking the knockoff. RT @youtwitface2 Bottled Water #jokesondemand

03/22/2011

Proof that no one in the world can stand David Lee Roth. RT @TIMENewsFeed Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens | http://ti.me/fLYHUo

The moon was the closest it has been to Charlie Sheen in 18 years. RT @mharen super moon #jokesondemand

Nickelback - cautionary tale of a band who tried to make good music but made millions instead. RT @AlessanBroChill bands trying to make it

REMEMBER: When experts recommend breast feeding for 6 months, they mean the first 6 months. RT @RachellAbalos breastfeeding #jokesondemand

Sounds like a job for Lindsay Lohan. RT @TIMENewsFeed Because of the NFL lockout, the Packers can't get their Super Bowl rings

3/17/2011

The least successful people screwed by Bernie Madoff. RT @ACEisKING new york mets #jokesondemand

separated at birth, by a drunk nurse. RT @snirtle st. Patty vs st Patrick

If you can resist Swedish women, then that goat is your soul mate. RT @dqdev a young greek couple living in Sweden. #jokesondemand

If you hook up with a sexy Swede, I'm sure your goat would understand. RT @dqdev a young greek couple living in Sweden. #jokesondemand

3/13/2011

Colon Sanders would kick the crap out of Colonel Sanders. RT @cademadison #jokesondemand KFC

Went from a headlining comedian to that dude who married Katy Perry's tits. RT @cademadison #jokesondemand Russell Brand

3/12/2011

The apple doesn't die far from the tree. RT @El_Tweeteador #jokesondemand JFK + JFK Jr.

Cultural traditions that reduce sensitivity. RT @El_Tweeteador #jokesondemand Circumcision + Domestic Violence

One loses weight; the other finds it. RT @El_Tweeteador #jokesondemand Oprah + Granola

At his age, Hef's bunions are the only thing swollen below his waist. RT @El_Tweeteador #jokesondemand Hefner + Bunions

3/11/2011

Happy 311 Day. RT @fcynthia @JSheskier Oxymorons! #jokesondemand

Too tsoon. RT @LexDeluxe #jokesondemand Tsunami: Why did everyone get so serious all of a tsudden.

Eating Count Chocula stops him from sucking your blood. Because he doesn't want diabetes. RT @ACEisKING count chocula #jokesondemand

My hometown, where the kids who pushed me in school now push lawnmowers. I was touched by child prodigies. @EAC4 Mayfield, OH #jokesondemand

In an RV, the cabin and bathroom can hold equal amounts of human waste. RT @afstu RVing #jokesondemand

One employs convicts, the other overemploys convicts. RT @bambino13 McDonalds NFL #jokesondemand

3/10/2011

Sports blogs are like a-holes: everyone has one and they're all over the internet. RT @korkedbats Sports Blogs #jokesondemand

Ikea is the closest Tiger Woods will ever get to another Swedish model. RT @kimberlysoules Ikea #jokesondemand

I'm naming my first boy Kanye West, so he expects the beats and hits. RT @Riosan2415 Kanye West #jokesondemand

One is for idiots. Strike that--both are for idiots. RT @claymolloy #jokeondemand topics...............the UFC and breast implants.

NASCAR is great for people who love getting exhausted. RT @HireAustinHuff NASCAR #JokesOnDemand

Bieber is a terrible teen cause he's annoyed everyone except his parents. Probably. RT @emilymtierney #jokeondemand Justin bieber

Must be a special lane for drug traffic, cause it's never jammed. RT @JakeAndBake94 Traffic jams #jokesondemand

I support their right to make our gas cheaper. And nothing else. RT @Exactly_SultaN #jokesondemand possible protests in saudi arabia

KKK meetings are like snow plows cause they clear the streets of white shit. RT @pdodson Snow plows #jokesondemand

Isn't death penalty redundant? I don't think it's ever been handed out as a prize. RT @JSheskier #jokesondeman the death penalty

One is mobile. RT @techcredo Android + Steve Jobs #jokesondemand

I take rape seriously. It's why I never laugh when I'm doing it. RT @JSheskier #jokesondeman rape

If he keeps removing predators, there'll be too much prey. It's basic environmental science. RT @ivancorreces Chris Hansen #jokesondemand

"Spic" is a derogatory term that you should never use in front of them. RT @OttisBlades SPICS #jokesondemand

Both will help quiet a shitty little baby. RT @gropingkiwi baby wipes and duct tape. #jokesondemand

3/9/2011

Puppies are just like babies, except you can't leave them locked in a hot car. RT @helloitsfey puppies #jokesondemand

If you stick voodoo needles in a black cat, that cat has really bad luck. RT @arseny_vlg black cats and voodoo dolls #jokesondemand

Puerto Rico is the poor man's Puerto Rico. RT @ELL_INTERIOR topic: puerto rico! #jokesondemand

FACT: Frat guys stain more blouses than mustard. RT @pdodson Frat guys and mustard #jokesondemand

It's ok to drink miso straight from the bowl due to a stubborn Asian adherence to chopsticks. RT @CatLaReine Miso soup. #jokesondemand

My theory about Quantum theory: it's the reason I don't know shit about science. RT @un1k3n Topic: Quantum theory #jokesondemand

His name has more annoying Spellings than Hollywood. RT @jbgud gadafhi #jokesondemand

Joke. RT @TheNewYoinker comedic premise #jokesondemand

"Excel" gives false hope to people working shitty data entry jobs. RT @darrellpratt Topic: MS Excel #jokesondemand

If your middle name is an animal, you make music I hate. RT @hughesherbe John Cougar Mellencamp #jokesondemand

Mother Theresa is a saint & caterpillars ain't done shit. Guess who's still here? RT @Lo_run Mother Theresa and caterpillars #jokesondemand

Ebola is a terrible way to die. Unless you live in Africa. RT @TheSimpleSimian Ebola #jokesondemand

Difference btwn coke & catholics: catholics make you feel guilty after taking your money RT @jasonroti cocaine and catholics #jokesondemand

Jews don't recognize Ash Wednesday. We got our ash fill in the 1940s. RT @scottmacphoto Ash Wednesday #jokesondemand

Jews were the first to have interest in lenting. RT @hughesherbe Lent #jokesondemand

I've never been to Houston, but I know what I'm not missing. RT @tideturns Houston #jokesondemand

GW Bush spent his presidency as a taint, stuck between a dick (Rumsfeld) and an asshole (Cheney) RT @NKallday the taint #jokesondemand

Huffing gas is a great way to conserve it. RT @manda_tee rising gas prices #jokesondemand

Track pants for fat people should be called slacks. RT @AhLostMahStuff Topic: pants #jokesondemand

Remember to yield to an ambulance, unless you're dying. RT @aisha_crus ambulance #jokesondemand

He took his talents to South Beach, but forgot his hairline in Akron. RT @ACEisKING lebron james. #jokesondemand

Two things you don't want in your face. RT @S3RP1CO chuck sheen and troll semen #jokesondemand

One is a euphemism for vagina, the other is delicious. RT @jane286 tacos and cats #jokesondemand

If Kobe went to college he would've rushed every sorority house. RT @bambino13 sorority Kobe Bryant #jokesondemand

Setting clock forward on Sunday so it blinks 1:00. RT @sharewolf Spring forward #jokesondemand